Today I sat on the couch all day using my lap top. Translating a speech for a concert in Taiwanese Cultural Festival, facebooking, MSNing, emailing, photo editing, filing, etc.
I stood up at about 4pm, Chris said to me, “Ah! You are walking!” Candy said, “You should go for a walk with us! To Mitro 10!” “What do you go there for?” Chris asked Candy. “To buy concrete!” “What for?” “For eating!” “What do you eat that for?”… They are the cutest couple I have met. I started to realise that I am single now. I still can’t get used to this concept.
Finally at 6pm I finished translating the speech, I had a shower, felt a bit period pain. This time I didn’t have to take pain relief pills, maybe it’s because I sit on the couch all day.
And then I went back to Papakura for a meeting, I thought I was on time, no, I thought that I should have plenty of time, I got Darren’s text on the way nearly home, “where are you?” “on the way home.” I replied. “ok we wait for you.” But I was not even late?
I have never enjoyed the meetings there.They always ask you for advice, but they never are going to take the advice anyway. People only say what they want to say, they never listen when they should be listening. I am very disappointed about life, and the people around me. I am always the one who does something wrong, I am always the one who has to do whatever they ask me to. I am really sick of my life.
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I remember one time K asked me, “So who do you go to when you feel you need to talk to someone?” I said, “No one would ever listen to me, I just have to be by myself for a while and try to disolve all the stress and sadness.” K said, “That’s too hard for you having to do everything on your own!” He said to me, “You can always come to me, if you need someone to talk to. I am always here for you, anytime.” I was very touched by his words.
But I just realised that he is such a lier. If he couldn’t get himself organised, he should have never said that to me.
Sometimes I feel very very lonely, I am living by myself without a true friend. People telling me off to make me feel bad. People telling me nice but fake words to make me sadder later. The worst thing is that I believe in them!
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I was too sad by the end of the meeting, all I wanted to do was just to go home, as soon as possible. In the car I thought of all the people, all the things, I suddenly felt extremely sad, extremely. I cried alone in the car. No one knows, I don’t think anyone would care about me anyway.
I know the people around me are hopeless, they disappointed me again and again, they made me sad again and again. But in the end I still forgive them and try to forget all the sad things about my life.
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Every night I cut out my heart but in the morning it was full again.–Michael Ondaatje
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“You are a sensitive little flower.” P once told me.
I remembered, then he looked into my eyes, and kissed me. I loved him. Six months after I stopped seeing him, he got married to another woman. I remembered that he told me he never wanted to get married. I also remembered that he had never told me that he loved me. But it’s ok now, I don’t love him anymore.
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My mum sent me a series of text. “Life is like a drama, people come and go.” “Don’t be too attached by the human world, life is like a dream, don’t be regret when you wake up.” “Remember when you were little, in your primary school there were lots of kids, they were all cute and sweet, but they were not tidy and clean. I always dressed you up and made sure you were nice and clean at all time. Do you still remember that you were always the top student and the role model at the school?”
But why did you leave us when I was 9. Did you know how bad I felt after you left us? After I was 9 year old, Dad took me and brother to capital city, I had no friend, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know where I was. No one liked me. Classmates laughed at me, they said that my skin colour was too dark. The teacher didn’t like me, she said I could be a top student in the country side, but it would never happen in the city school. She told everyone in front of the class that I was fat and questioned me in front of everybody, “Why don’t you make some friends? Why don’t you learn to socialise? Look at the other boy who just come to this school, he is a new student too, but look at him he got some friends now!”
I didn’t know how to make friends. I didn’t know how to socialise. I was poor, ugly, and filthy. No one likes to be with me. Everyone looked down on me because I was from country side and my parents’ marriage was broken. People whisper to each other, “Look at her, her mother went away and left the kids… irresponsible…”
Dad would always yell at me and brother, “You have no mother! Your mother is irresponsible! Your mother doesn’t want you anymore!” “Why don’t you go to die? If I had no kids I could have had a good life!” “Go to die! You are useless!”
Everyday I was scared to go home, but I had no where to go. Where could I go? I thought of to end my life, I was only 9 years old.
I decided to never get married. I decided to never believe in love. I decided to hate all men in the world. I decided to not believe in men in the future. I decided to be on my own one day.
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All the memories came up my mind like they only happened yesterday.
For years I tried to forget them. I tried to forgive them. I tried to pretend nothing happened. But no matter how hard I tried, my heart has already hurted.
Throughout my life, I try not to hurt people’s heart, I try to treat people with respect, I try to forgive people, I try to make people happy. But no matter how much I try, I am still not happy. I still get depressed easily, I still feel sad and lonely when I am by myself. I usually look happy and confident, but I am scared to be alone. I like to be with people, but I feel uncomfortable to be with too many strangers.
I read lots and lots of books. I wrote lots and lots of letters to friends, my secrets, my sadness. I was always a sad person, writing was my only solace.
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Family can hurt people, no matter how far you go. The memories follow you, and create the shadow around.
Finally I came back to my flat, Candy asked me, “You don’t look happy?” “I’m not in the good mood.” I said. “Ok we chat tomorrow.”She smiled. No, I can never be sad in front of her. She is such mature and confident.
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I don’t dare to sleep, so I kept on writing. It’s 4:32AM now.
I am typing this entry, and watching the Food Channel on Sky TV. Food Channel is the pornography for the stomach. The Cheves keeps on changing, and making all kinds of food. Italian, Chinese, French, Greek, Top Chef, Chef at Home. I am hungry, I am also sleepy. But I don’t feel like going to sleep, it’s also too late for cooking instant noodle. It was really a boring day, and I felt sad, too.
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I hope the leaving is joyful, and I hope never to return. –Frida Kahlo